


It’s Always Sunny at Hogwarts: Year One

by Capauldi



Series: It’s Always Sunny at Hogwarts [1]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: 1980s, Ace representation in Charlie because yes, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Asexual Charlie Kelly, Canon LGBTQ Character, Canon LGBTQ Male Character, Canon-Typical Gang Behavior (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia), Dee is a bird, Dennis Reynolds is a Bastard Man, Frank is a teacher, Gen, LGBTQ Themes, Mac McDonald Being an Idiot, Mac is totally in love with Dennis, One-sided Mac McDonald/Dennis Reynolds, To spite JK Rowling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:20:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28076091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Capauldi/pseuds/Capauldi
Summary: It’s 1987. Mac, Charlie, Dennis, and Dee have been accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Series: It’s Always Sunny at Hogwarts [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2056785
Comments: 9
Kudos: 16





	1. Mac and Charlie Get Accepted

9:22 AM

On a Saturday

Philadelphia, PA  
  


* * *

  
"Take that, Master Tokage!" Mac kicked into thin air and pretended to karate chop an oppressor that wasn't there. "Hiyah!" Mac yelled, mimicking the sounds blasting out of the small television.

On a sunny Saturday morning in South Philadelphia, young Mac, age eleven, was entertaining himself as his mother wasted away in the kitchen with her booze and lit cigarette in hand. It was the most typical Saturday morning you could find at the McDonald household. Well, it _was_ until the letter came.

There was a rustle and a flutter as a sole envelope fell through the mail slot and landed gently on the floor. "Mail!" Mac yelled as he got up and ran to it. On the envelope read the name "Ronald McDonald"—Mac's name. Woah. Mac never got mail. "Hey-o, Mom! I got a letter!"

No response.

Mac ran into the kitchen, envelope clutched in his fist, and found his mom passed out at the dining table. He took the lit cigarette from between her fingers and dipped it in a glass of water, something he's had to do too many times. "Guess I'll tell ya later, then," Mac grumbled under his breath. He sat down at one of the seats at the table and opened up the envelope. Inside was a letter that read:

HOGWARTS SCHOOL _of_ WITCHCRAFT _and_ WIZARDRY

Dear Mr. McDonald,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.

Term begins on 1 September. We await your owl by no later than 31 July.

Yours sincerely,  
_Minerva McGonagall_

"Wizardry? Owl?" Mac laughed nervously. And what in God's name is a "Hogwarts"? He glanced over the parchment, wondering if it was a prank. He didn't even know anyone with the skill to even write well enough to pull off this prank.

What if this letter and magic were real? Would he be a sinner for witchcraft? Certainly God wouldn't put him in this position. No. Mac's eyes widened at the prospect of having magic. Would his mom or dad know? Would they be magical too? It was all too entirely scary and he didn't even know if he could, but there was only one person he wanted to talk to about it: his best friend, Charlie.  
  


* * *

  
Charlie Kelly ran from his mother. "Charlie, come back! Let me brush your hair!" Bonnie Kelly, a small, round woman, chased Charlie with a brush in her hand.

"No, mom! I can brush my own hair!"

"But you don't!"

"But I _can_!"

While Charlie ran down the steps, a letter, too, arrived for him. Mrs. Kelly stopped chasing her son to pick up the envelope. She read over the name printed on the back.

"Why, Charlie! This letter is for you!"

Charlie stopped in his tracks and looked at his mom. "Me?" He inched closer to her and peered at the envelope in her hand. "Can you read it to me?"

Mrs. Kelly and Charlie made their ways to the couch and Mrs. Kelly opened up the envelope. She pulled out the letter, which looked exactly like the one Mac had gotten, except it read: "Dear Mr. Kelly."

She read the words to him and Charlie's face lit up with excitement and wonder. Mrs. Kelly looked down at her ever so excited son as a memory dawned upon her.

"Charlie, I believe I must find something." She handed the papers to her son and, practically trance-like, made her way up the stairs.

Charlie held up the letter and tried to make out the words listed at the top. They were long and hard words. Charlie couldn't read too good, which frustrated him on great levels, so he usually had his mom, Mac, or a school aide read things aloud to him.

A knock on the door pulled him out of his frustration with words. As he opened the door, a smile grew on his face as he saw Mac standing before him.

"Mac!"

"Hey, Charlie." Mac was nervous. He didn't know what he was allowed to say to Charlie about the letter he got. "Can I come in?"

"Uh, yeah!" Charlie led Mac into the living room. After a pause, Charlie asked, "What's wrong, man?" He noticed his friend seemed a bit off.

"Nothing. Just…" Mac took in a breath. "Do you believe in magic?"

"Magic?" Charlie raised his eyebrows. "Did you get it too?" He held up his piece of parchment.

"The letter? Oh, thank God!" Mac sighed in relief. "I was gonna go crazy if I couldn't talk about it." Mac flopped down onto Charlie's couch. "Do you think it's some sort of prank? Like, it's gotta be! I can't be someone who has magic. I just can't! Witchcraft is a total sin, dude." He sat up and looked into his friend's greenish eyes. "Do you think God would set us up to be sinners?"

Charlie shrugged. He wasn't into all that religious stuff like Mac was. "I dunno. But magic is cool."

Mrs. Kelly came down the stairs with another envelope in her hand. "Charlie! I found what I was looking for!" She spotted her son's friend sitting next to him. "Oh, hello, Mac!" Mac was over so often she thought of him as a second son.

"Mom! He got a magic letter too!"

"Oh!" Mrs. Kelly's eyes glistened. She was glad her Charlie wasn't going to be alone in this. She wouldn't know what to do if he were because she knew Charlie had his issues. Lots of them.

Mac and Charlie scooted on the couch and Mrs. Kelly sat down next to her son. She held up the envelope she had brought down from upstairs. "This, Charlie, is a letter. From your father," Mrs. Kelly said.

"Woah! Your dad?" Mac exclaimed.

Charlie looked at his mother, confusedly. "My… what?" He didn't have a dad. Never did.

Mrs. Kelly never meant to have Charlie. In fact, she tried to abort him. It failed. When she told his father that she was still pregnant, he wrote her a letter. He told her to not open that letter until the child was eleven. Not on his birthday, but on a day he'd get a strange letter. When asked what the letter was, he told her she'd just know. She did.

She pulled the letter out and started to read it to Charlie. The letter spoke of how he was a wizard and started Hogwarts when he, himself, was eleven. It followed with information about a place called Diagon Alley where they could get all the magical supplies needed, and instructions on how to get to Platform 9¾ at the train station. The letter ended with wishes of luck and an apology that he could not be a part of his child's life.

Charlie didn't know what to say. It was a lot for his little brain to take in.

Instead, Mac spoke up. "Mrs. Kelly?" he asked. "I don't think my parents know anything about any of this. Can you help me?"

Mrs. Kelly smiled. "Of course, Mac."


	2. Mac Steals a Broom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While shopping for school supplies, Mac and Charlie meet a pair of rich twins and their small, round father.

11:15 AM

On a Sunday

Diagon Alley  
  


* * *

  
"Wow! Look at this place, Charlie!" Mac exclaimed. He was standing in the middle of a cobblestone street beside Charlie and Mrs. Kelly, looking at the magic shops and the people in robes and wizard hats surrounding him. "I've never seen anything like this before." He turned to Charlie, who looked entranced by a young witch carrying an owl on her forearm.

"Boys, remember, we're here for school supplies," Mrs. Kelly said, snapping Charlie out of his trance. "But we must go to the bank first, as your father mentioned in his letter. We need to go to a place called..." She looked over at the letter again. "...Gringotts."

It didn't take the three of them very long to find Gringotts Bank. Though it was massive inside, all the people working there were small. Why, when Charlie looked closer at them, they weren't people at all! They were goblins.

Mrs. Kelly went up to a goblin who wasn't helping anyone. "Hello there! I'd like to make a currency exchange."

The goblin looked down upon Mrs. Kelly and the two small boys beside her. "Please put the money on the counter," the goblin said.

Mrs. Kelly did as asked. She placed two envelopes of money in the goblin's reach. One envelope was for Charlie and the other was for Mac. The goblin picked up one of the envelopes with its long fingers and started counting the money. The money got placed in a weird box and out returned coins of gold, silver, and bronze. The goblin scooped that up and put it in a small, brown pouch and passed it back over to Mrs. Kelly, who then handed it to Mac. The goblin proceeded to do the exact same thing with the second envelope and handed the pouch back. That pouch went to Charlie.

"Thank you for coming to Gringotts Bank. Have a nice day," the goblin told them. The goblin held out its hand, its fingers pointing the way to the front door.

"Thank you!" Mrs. Kelly said cheerfully. She led the boys out of the bank.

Charlie leaned over and whispered into Mac's ear. "Hey, man, let's ditch my mom."

"Why?" Mac whispered back.

"I dunno. You have your money, I have mine. It'd be way more fun without her."

Mac glanced at Mrs. Kelly, who was smiling and looking at the crowd of wizards before them. "You're totally right," he responded.

Mac and Charlie started to back up into the crowd, silently, and slipped away. A moment after they were already lost in the sea of people, Mrs. Kelly turned to face the boys, but when she didn't see them there, she started panicking. "Charlie?" She called out. "Charlie? CHARLIE?!" She ran up to some confused wizards and witches, asking, "Have you seen my Charlie?"

When they were sure they were far enough away from Mrs. Kelly, Charlie turned to Mac. "So, what's on the list?"

"Right." Mac pulled the list out from his back pocket and unfolded it. "Uh, some uniform stuff, blah, blah... And books... Boring." His eyes scanned down the list of books, which he couldn't be bothered to read. "One wand."

Charlie perked up. "A wand?"

"Yeah."

"I wanna get a wand!"

"Uh, yeah, me too! Let's do that first!" Mac became excited. He and Charlie started to make their way down the street, when they realized neither of them knew where to get their wands.

Mac swore. "Maybe we shouldn't have ditched your mom."

"No, it's fine! We can just ask someone." Charlie looked around and saw a friendly-looking wizard walking by. He ran up to the man. "Hey, sir! Do you know where they sell wands?"

The man looked at Charlie. "Yeah, that would be Ollivanders."

"Where's that?"

The man pointed. "Around the corner over there."

"Hey, thanks, man!" Charlie went back to where Mac was standing. "He said it's a place called _Ollivanders_ , over this way." Charlie and Mac started off in the direction the man pointed. "But I don't know which one it is."

Mac looked at the buildings, reading the names. "There it is!" He pointed at a small shop with two rounded windows and a door in the middle. A bell rang as Mac pulled the door open. The two boys entered the dark room.

"Woah. There are a lot of boxes," Mac noted of the tall walls just seemingly made out of boxes of wands.

An old, white-haired man stepped out from behind a shelf of even more boxes of wands. "Good morning, young wizards!" He met the boys at the counter, looking down at them. "I am Ollivander. I make the wands here. What are your names?"

"Charlie Kelly!"

"I'm Mac. I want a wand that's totally bada—"

"Getting a wand is a great privilege." Ollivander chuckled. "But it's the wand that picks the wizard. Would you like to go first?"

"Nah, Charlie should go first," Mac said.

"You sure, bro?" Charlie asked, seeming honored Mac wanted him to go first.

"Totally, man."

Ollivander glanced over Charlie with great intent. "Hmm. I think I have just the wand for you to try!" He turned around and browsed a section of wand boxes, muttering to himself. "Ah! Here." He pulled out a box, brought it over to Charlie, and opened it. "Let's give this one a flick."

Charlie picked up the reddish wand and gave it a flick.

Nothing happened.

Charlie flicked it again and again and again, growing frustrated. "Is it broken?"

"No, it's just not the right wand for you." Ollivander took the wand back and thought. "Ah!" He rushed to the back of the shop and squatted to the ground, pulling out a box close to the floor. "Let's try this one!" Like the last wand, he brought it over and opened it for Charlie.

Charlie gave the wand a flick, and the end of the wand pulsated with a friendly glow of light. "Woah!"

"That's the one! A cedar wand with a dragon heartstring core," Ollivander explained, despite none of those words having any meaning to Charlie.

"Dude! That's so cool!" Mac exclaimed. "My turn!"

Charlie took his wand back to the sole seat in Ollivanders and sat down, intently looking at his wand. He held magic in his hands.

While Ollivander was putting out a fire Mac accidentally started with a wrong wand, the entrance bell rang and a boy around Charlie's age walked in with a short, round, balding man.

The man looked back out the door and yelled "Deandra!" With no response, he grumbled. "Dennis, stay 'ere. Your sister got lost in the crowd. I 'avta find her."

The boy presumably named Dennis looked over at Charlie and gave him a nod of acknowledgement.

"Hi, I'm Charlie! Charlie Kelly." Charlie held out a hand.

"Dennis Reynolds," the other boy said, ignoring Charlie's hand. "You know him?" Dennis asked about Mac, who was struggling with yet another wrong wand.

"Oh, yeah! That's my friend, Mac. We're new to this whole magic thing."

"You're muggleborns?"

"I don't know what that means, man."

"A muggleborn is a wizard who has non-magical parents."

"Oh. I don't think I am. I don't know my dad, but apparently he was a wizard. Didn't grow up around any of this, but like, yeah." Charlie shrugged.

"I see," Dennis said. "I did grow up around this, but my obsolete dingbat of a father wouldn't let my sister or I get wands before Hogwarts. It's honestly so stupid. He's the worst."

"At least you have a dad."

"Yeah, well…" Dennis' thoughts trailed off. "What kind of wand do you have there?"

"I dunno, the man told me, like, see-dar dragon, whatever that means."

"Uh huh."

Attention was pulled to Mac when he finally found his perfect wand. "Woah!" Mac said as his dark wand glowed.

After a short exchange between Mac and Ollivander, Mac bounced over to Charlie and Dennis. When he looked at Dennis, he blushed. "Hi, I'm Mac," he managed to squeak.

"Den—"

At that moment, the door burst open and Dennis's father walked in followed by a thin, blonde girl with a back brace.

"Frank!" Ollivander exclaimed. "I was wondering when I'd see you in here."

The girl went over to Dennis. "What up, loser," she greeted. "Who are these bozos?"

"Dee. I'm not the one who got lost in Diagon Alley. If either of us is a loser, it's you," Dennis replied to his sister.

"It's not my fault I'm stuck in this stupid back brace. Also, you walk too fast." She looked at Mac and Charlie. After a moment, she said, "I'm Dee."

"I'm Mac."

"Charlie."

"I'm sorry, but…" Mac pointed to Frank. "That man is your father?" Mac asked, astonished because the twins looked absolutely nothing like Frank Reynolds.

"Yeah," Dennis and Dee replied in unison.

"Children," Frank said, as he came over to the group. He looked at Mac and Charlie. "Who are they?"

"These are our new friends, Mac and Charlie," Dee said, gesturing to each boy as she said their names.

Mac and Charlie exchanged glances and smiled. _Friends_.

"Nice to meet youse," Frank said. He turned his attention to Dennis and Dee. "It's time for you to get your wands!"

"Finally," Dennis said. "Can't believe you made us wait to get them."

"It's about discipline, Dennis."

"Discipline? How is this about discipline? Whatever."

While Dennis marched over to the counter where Ollivander waited, Frank followed and started to say to him, "Alls I'm sayin' is—"

"Hey, uh, so, we'll see you around?" Mac said to Dee.

"Sure," Dee said as she nodded.

The two boys promptly left Ollivanders. Once outside, Charlie noted, "They were kind of strange."

"I liked them," said Mac.

"Oh, yeah, don't get me wrong, I liked them too. They were just kind of strange."

"I mean, so are you, Charlie."

"Not any more strange than you!" Charlie started to walk down Diagon Alley.

Mac took a few quick steps to catch up, then remained at pace with Charlie. "I mean, Charlie, you're eleven and you can't read!"

Charlie stopped. "So?" He scoffed. Before he could let Mac get a word in, something caught his attention. "Woah," he said.

"What?" Mac looked in the direction Charlie was looking.

"Look!" Charlie ran up to a shop, which Mac noted was called _Quality Quidditch Supplies_ , and pointed. "Brooms!"

"What is with you and cleaning supplies, dude?" When Mac joined Charlie at the window, something in caught Mac's attention. It was an animated poster of a young man flying on a broomstick and playing what looked like a ball game. Mac's eyes widened. "What the… Is that picture moving?"

"Oh, yeah. It is, huh?" Charlie said. "Do we need anything from here?" Before Mac could pull out the list and reply, Charlie continued, "Eh, it doesn't matter. Let's go in!"

The shopkeeper was preoccupied with another customer when Mac and Charlie entered. The boys started browsing the couple of books about quidditch the shop had on display. Mac picked one up and read the first page.

"Woah, check this out, Charlie, this is a sport called quidditch and it's like _the_ sport of the wizarding world!"

"That's cool," said Charlie, eyeing the tens of broomsticks hanging on the wall. "I wanna look at the brooms."

"All right, all right," Mac said as he and Charlie made their ways to the brooms on display. "Ooh. Actually, this one looks kind of cool."

"They all look cool, Mac."

Mac looked at the price tag on the broom. "Holy!" He exclaimed. "That's a big number!"

Mac looked back at the shopkeeper, whose focus was still entirely on the other customers in the shop.

"Dude, what are you looking at?" Charlie asked.

"I think I'm gonna steal it."

"What? No, man, that's illegal!"

"That price should be illegal."

Mac glanced back over at the shopkeeper. Still focused on the other customers. He took a breath. He was sure the shopkeeper didn't even know they were in the shop. Charlie looked like he wanted to die.

Mac slowly and silently unhooked the broom from the wall. Holding it vertically near his body, he and Charlie went toward the front door.

"Hey!" The shopkeeper shouted at them.

"He saw us. Run!" Mac said as he and Charlie sprinted out the door.

The shopkeeper ran out the door after them. "You have to pay for that!"

Mac and Charlie were a lot faster than the shopkeeper on foot. It almost seemed they could get away with it, until they collided with a couple of familiar faces.

"D-Dennis!" Mac said nervously.

The shopkeeper caught up with the boys and grabbed the broom from Mac's grip.

"What's all this hullabaloo about?" Frank asked.

"Is he with you?" The shopkeeper asked Frank as he gestured to Mac.

"Ya didn't answer my question," Frank said.

"This young man tried stealing a broomstick from my shop!"

"I told him not to do it," Charlie said.

Frank nodded. "How much it cost?"

The shopkeeper replied.

"I'll buy it for him."

"You'll… What?" Dennis asked.

"I'll buy it for him. For new friends." Frank used his stubby fingers and counted out the amount for the broomstick and handed it to the shopkeeper.

The shopkeeper handed the broom back to Mac and turned around, making his way back toward his shop, satisfied with the sale.

Mac looked at Frank. "I, uh, I don't even know what to say, Mr..."

"Reynolds," Dee said.

"...Mr. Reynolds. Thank you."

"You're welcome," Frank said. "Come on, kids." He turned around and started walking.

"You're a lucky kid," Dennis said. "He doesn't even buy _us_ gifts."

"He really doesn't," Dee added. "He must like you guys."

"I guess we'll see you at Hogwarts," Dennis said. He and Dee turned and started after Frank.

"Uh, dude," Charlie said. "He just bought you a broom."

Mac was still in shock. "Yeah. Wow."

"So, what's next on the list?"

"I dunno. Here." Mac handed his new broomstick to Charlie so he could get out the school supply list.

"CHARLIE!" The sound of Mrs. Kelly broke through. "Oh, there you are, boys! You had me so worried, running off like that." She ran up to them and hugged her son tightly. "Please never do that again!"

"Sorry, mom," Charlie said after he was released from his mother's death grip of love.

Mrs. Kelly clasped her hands together, excitedly. "Well, now that I've found you again, it's time to get you boys some school supplies!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're wondering what kinds of wands the gang would have:  
>  **Mac** : Ebony wood with a unicorn hair core, 11 ¼ and rigid flexibility  
>  **Charlie** : Cedar wood with a dragon heartstring core, 9 ½ and reasonably supple flexibility  
>  **Dennis** : Elder wood with a dragon heartstring core, 11 ½ and unyielding flexibility  
>  **Dee** : Elm wood with a dragon heartstring core, 13 and quite bendy flexibility  
>  **Frank** : Hazel wood with a phoenix feather core, 11 and hard flexibility


	3. The Gang Eats a Lot of Sweets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac, Charlie, Dennis, and Sweet Dee ride together in the same passenger car on the Hogwarts Express.

10:37 AM

On a Tuesday

Between Platforms 9 and 10  
  


* * *

  
Mrs. Kelly stood in the middle of a crowded train station terminal beside Mac and Charlie, each boy with a trolley holding a trunk of their school stuff. They watched as busy people hustled by.

"Oh, Charlie!" Mrs. Kelly hugged her young son tightly. "I'm going to miss you so much, my little gingerbread man!"

"Mom! Mom!" Charlie wrestled himself out of his mother's grip. "I'll be fine!"

"I just worry for you sometimes, Charlie." Mrs. Kelly rested her hand on Charlie's cheek.

"Mooooommmm," Charlie said. She was _so_ embarrassing.

Mrs. Kelly removed her hand and smiled sadly. "Well, boys, I want to talk to you before you go," she said. She rested her hands on her knees and leaned over to meet them each at eye-level. "Mac," she said.

"Yeah?" Mac responded.

"Take care of him, will you? I know it's not your job, but he needs you."

"I know." Mac dug his foot into the ground. "I kinda need him too."

"Well, you're lucky to have each other," Mrs. Kelly said. She turned her attention to Charlie. "Charlie."

"I know, I know," said Charlie.

"I love you so much, Charlie. You be good at school, okay?"

Charlie looked at the ground and nodded. Mrs. Kelly pulled Charlie in and gave him a kiss on his forehead.

"Uh, Mrs. Kelly?" Mac asked. He looked at the platform signs and pointed at them. "I see platform nine and I see platform ten, but the ticket says..." Mac looked at the ticket in his hands. "The ticket says nine and three quarters. So like, in between the platforms? What does that even mean?" Mac asked.

"This makes no sense," said Charlie. "I thought magic was supposed to make things easy."

"Oh. Oh, I'm not sure," Mrs. Kelly said. She looked around. She saw a man who appeared to be someone who worked at the train station. "Excuse me!" Mrs. Kelly ran up to him. "Do you know how I can get to platform nine and three quarters?"

The man looked at Mrs. Kelly like she was absolutely mad. "Is this a joke? You're the second person to ask me about this 'platform nine and three quarters' today. Of course there's no nine and three quarters! That'd be ridiculous!" The man shook his head and walked away from Mrs. Kelly.

Mac peered down the terminal, opposite of the direction Mrs. Kelly went, and saw Dennis and Dee pushing carts with Frank leading them. They were approaching where Mac and Charlie were standing with their carts.

"Hey, man, is that Dennis?" Mac asked.

Charlie looked down the terminal. "It is!"

"Dennis!" Mac yelled. "Dee!" He waved his arms, so the twins could spot him more easily.

Dennis and Dee rushed over with their carts.

"'Sup, guys," Dee said.

"Are we glad to see you!" Mac said.

"Yeah, we don't know where platform nine and three quarters is," Charlie said.

"Well, duh," Dennis said. "They wanted to hide it from muggles."

"And muggles are...?" Charlie said.

"Non-magic folk," Dennis replied.

"Right. And we're not? Muggles?" Charlie was confused.

"No, we're not," said Dennis.

"Then why can't I see it?" Asked Charlie.

"It's not invisible, it's... We'll just show you," said Dennis.

Mrs. Kelly returned to the boys and took a step back when she saw the company that had joined them. "Frank? Is that you?" Mrs. Kelly said when she recognized Dennis and Dee's dad coming up to the gang.

"Merlin's beard! Bonnie?" Frank held his arms up as he walked toward his old friend. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to bring my son, Charlie, for the train," Mrs. Kelly replied matter-of-factly.

"Wait. Charlie's _your_ son?!"

Mrs. Kelly nodded.

"Good kid," Frank said. "Well, ya know what, Bonnie, I, uh," Frank scratched his head. "I'm teaching at Hogwarts."

"You are?"

"Yeah. I can keep an eye on him or something," Frank offered.

"You could? Oh, Frank!" Mrs. Kelly hugged Frank. "That would mean the world to me! I worry about him so much."

"You don't gotta worry so much, Bonnie. He'll be in good hands."

The four kids were off to the side watching the parents reconnect. "I think your mom wants to bang my dad, Charlie," Dennis said.

"Ew, no way," Charlie rebutted.

"I have to agree with Dennis. She totally wants to bang him," Mac said.

"You guys are gross, who would want to bang _him_?" Dee asked.

"Oh, there's no doubt, Dee, he's disgusting. But just look at her. She wants it," Dennis said.

"C'mon, man! Don't talk about my mom like that!" Charlie complained.

Mrs. Kelly hugged Charlie one last goodbye before she left him and Mac to the mercy of Frank Reynolds.

"So, what ya wanna do is hold onto ya cart and just go at the wall," Frank explained. He clapped his hands together to demonstrate a collision. "You'll go right through it to platform nine and three quarters. If ya scared, take a running start at it."

Dennis gulped and put on a brave face. "I'll go first," he volunteered. He gripped onto his cart very tightly, angled himself toward the wall that stood between platforms nine and ten, and he started off at the wall. When he felt like he was about to collide into the wall, he closed his eyes tight and held his breath, but kept running. There was a strange sensation and he opened his eyes. He was fine. He didn't crash. "Woah," he said as he looked around him.

The atmosphere was different—one could just _feel_ the magic in the air. There stood a large train labeled "Hogwarts Express" next to the platform appropriately labeled "9 ¾." Behind Dennis, followed Dee, though she looked more awkward coming through as she didn't really _run_ through the wall, her movement restricted by her back brace. Mac followed soon after.

On the other side of the wall, Frank stopped Charlie before he was about to bolt through. "Charlie, wait," Frank said. "Charlie, I, uh, I just wanna let you know that if ya ever need anything, anything at all, I'm gonna be around Hogwarts and that you can come to me anytime." Frank stared blankly into space before refocusing on Charlie. "Yeah. Anything. Anytime."

Charlie smiled. "Thanks, Mr. Reynolds." He turned to face the wall. He gripped his cart and he followed his friends through.

Frank was the last to go through to platform nine and three quarters.

In the train car, Mac and Charlie sat next to each other. Across from them sat Dennis and Dee. Mac looked right at Dennis.

"Dude, why are you staring at me?" Dennis asked.

Mac blushed and averted his gaze. "I'm not!"

Dennis narrowed his eyes.

A blond boy around their age walked up to their car. The gang took notice of the braces on his legs. "Any room in here?" He asked.

"Clearly not," said Dennis.

"All the cars so far just seem to be full," the blond boy said. He sighed. "I'm Matt Mara, by the way."

"And I don't care," said Dennis. Dennis flicked his hand as a signal telling Matt to go away.

"All right, all right, I'll get outta your hair. You don't have to be so rude about it." Matt closed the car door and continued down the train.

"Okay, was it just me, or did his leg braces totally give you like cricket vibes?" Mac asked.

"Oh, totally," said Dee.

"Ugh, the sound of those things were awful! He was like some sort of rickety cricket," said Dennis.

"Ha! 'Rickety Cricket'! That's a good name!" Charlie said. The gang burst out laughing at poor Matt Mara's expense.

"Oh, I hope I'm not in the same house as him," said Dee.

"House?" Asked Mac. "What do you mean by that?"

"Do you not know anything about Hogwarts?" Dennis asked.

"We do not," said Mac.

"So, at Hogwarts, each student gets sorted into one of four houses," Dennis began to explain. "There's Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff."

"Wait, so you're telling me there's a chance we could be in different houses?" Mac asked, a bit worried.

"There is that possibility, yes," Dennis replied.

Mac turned to Charlie, his eyes sad. "I... I don't wanna be in a different house than you!"

"No matter what happens, man, we're always gonna be best friends," Charlie said. "Same house or not, I got your back!"

"Promise?"

"Heck yeah, dude."

"Aw, that's kind of cute," Dee said.

"Well, if we end up in different houses, I'm ditching you, Dee," Dennis said.

Dee made a face at her brother. "Whatever, I don't need you, Dennis. I am a strong, independent witch and I can thrive without you."

"Shut up, Dee. Your voice is so grating," said Dennis.

"Man! I'm kinda hungry," said Mac. He pulled a little plastic baggy with two cookies from his pocket. "Swiped these from my dad before I left. You guys want in?"

"Aww yeah! You know I do!" Charlie said.

Dennis and Dee looked at each other and shrugged. "Why not," said Dennis.

Mac broke the cookies in half and gave each of his friends a piece. Mac took a bite into his half and his friends followed his lead.

"Mmm! Mac, this cookie is amazing!" Dee exclaimed.

"My dad makes the best cookies." Mac giggles.

After a few minutes, all the kids were smiley and giggly. "Mac, dude, I feel _so good_ right now," said Dennis. "Is there some sort of potion in this or something?"

"Nah, there couldn't be," said Charlie. "Macs dad is one of the—Oh what's the word? The one for the people who don't have magic?"

"Muggle?" Asked Dennis.

"Yeah! Mac's dad is one of those!" Said Charlie.

"Well, whatever it is, it's good," said Dennis.

"Ooh! Dennis, Dennis, Dennis, Dennis," Mac said. "Okay, so, I know we've only known each other for like a day, but man, I feel like you and I, we're blood brothers."

Dennis giggled. "That is so weird."

"I think with all of us continuously running into each other, we were meant to be friends," said Dee.

"Like a sign from God!" Mac said. He yawned and stretched, then rested his head on Charlie's shoulder and closed his eyes. "Charlie, I dunno what I'd do without you, man."

Charlie looked down at Mac cuddled up to him. "Uh, yeah, same here."

"Charlie," Mac mumbled into Charlie's shoulder. "I love you."

Dennis and Dee exchanged a glance with Charlie, who raised his eyebrows and returned an expression that just told them "I don't know."

"So, Charlie," Dee said. "Apparently your mom knows our dad."

"Yeah. What was that about?" Charlie asked.

"I dunno, but whatever was going on between them was strange," said Dennis.

"Earlier, it seemed like you were into it," said Dee.

"Oh, I can assure you, I was not into it," said Dennis. He put up his hands and looked smug. "But I'm just sayin'..."

Charlie, Dennis, and Dee burst out laughing at the mere thought of their parents. Their laughs were interrupted by an older woman pushing a trolley of an assortment of wizard sweets. "Anything off the trolley, dears?" She asked.

"Yeah, we'll take..." Dennis stopped to count how many people he and his friends made. Whatever it was that was in Mac's cookie was still affecting his brain. "Four. We'll take four of... Everything." Dennis held out some galleons to the trolley woman.

Dee stared at the money in Dennis' hand, mouth agape. "Where'd you get that money, Dennis?"

Dennis turned to his sister and chuckled. "Stole it from dad."

Dee giggled. "Oh thank Merlin, I stole some money from him too." Dee then turned to Charlie and told him, "Dad doesn't give us anything."

"Which is stupid because the man is filthy rich!" Dennis added.

"Oh," Charlie said softly. He couldn't relate to the Reynolds twins on that front. His family wasn't rich. Neither was Mac's. They just kind of got by on what their families could afford.

Dennis threw a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans at Mac and said loudly, "Wake up!"

Mac groaned. "What? Are we there yet?"

"No, Dennis got us candy," said Charlie.

Mac perked up. "Candy? What kind?"

"I dunno. Wizard candy," said Charlie. He held up a Cockroach Cluster and looked like he was about to become sick. "This looks gross, man."

"Yeah..." Dennis grimaced. "Some of this wizard candy is just straight up grody."

Mac opened up a Licorice Wand and bit into it. "This one's good, though!"

Charlie picked up a Chocolate Frog box. "Hey, Mac, what's this say?" He turned the box toward Mac.

"'Chocolate Frog,'" Mac read out.

"Chocolate Frog?" Charlie asked.

"Yeah, it's basically chocolate," Dee said. "That's been enchanted."

"No one really cares for the chocolate, though. Most wizards like it for the cards," Dennis added.

"Like trading cards?" Mac asked, his interest piqued.

"Yeah. Cards of famous witches and wizards," Dennis replied.

"Awesome!" Charlie said. He ripped his box open, and the frog bounced out. "Oh no you don't!" Charlie's hands were quick and he caught the chocolate frog and stuffed it in his mouth. He started to eat it and, with his mouth full, he said, "This is the best chocolate I've ever had!" He then picked up the card from the box. He held it over to Mac. "What's this say?"

Mac struggled with the name. "Puh, Puh, Puh-tolemy?" Mac was unsure.

"Ptolemy?" Charlie asked. That name had no meaning to him. Then he shrugged. "Okay."

"Oh, hey, Charlie," Dee said. "You have a little," she pointed around her own mouth, "chocolate around your mouth."

"Oh!" Charlie wiped his mouth with his sleeve, though it didn't remove any of the chocolate from his face at all. "Thanks, Dee!"

The train ride to Hogwarts was long, but the gang had plenty of sweets to keep them occupied on the ride. When they got closer to school, each of them got up to change into their robes.

Dennis breathed out anxiously. "I wonder what houses we'll be sorted into," he said.


	4. Dennis Doesn't Get the House He Wants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac, Charlie, Dennis, and Sweet Dee get sorted into houses.

6:50 PM

On a Tuesday

Hogwarts Castle  
  


* * *

  
The first year kids were guided by a half-giant named Hagrid to some small boats. They were told only the first years get to ride the boats across the lake to Hogwarts. Charlie, Mac, Dennis, and Dee got into one of the little boats together and Charlie, who sat in the front, was given a pole with a lantern to hold. Once all the first years were in the boats, they began to float across.

Dee faced her brother. “So, what house do you think you'll get sorted into?”

Dennis thought for a moment. “Well, with my superior intelligence, I'd expect perhaps Ravenclaw,” he replied.

Dee laughed. “‘Superior intelligence,’ really?”

Mac chimed in. “I haven't known you that long, Dennis, but you're one of the smartest people I know!”

Dennis took pride in Mac’s statement and smiled smugly at Dee.

“Oh, that proves _nothing_ ,” Dee said saltily.

“If people were sorted based on appearances, then maybe you’d be in Ravenclaw because you’re one big bird, Dee,” Dennis said. “Thankfully, that’s not how it is because you’re certainly not smart enough to be a Ravenclaw.”

Dee scowled at Dennis. “All right! I’ve had enough of you!” She reached her talon fingers toward Dennis, moving in to choke him.

“Hey!” Charlie yelled, annoyed. “No fighting!”

The twins stopped and stared at him.

“No fighting, please, guys... I just want this boat ride to be nice.”

“Fine. But I want Dennis to apologize to me,” Dee said. She crossed her arms and gave Dennis a death glare.

“Yeah, like that’s ever gonna happen,” Dennis said as he rolled his eyes.

The first years reached the castle and were instructed to go up the stairs. Waiting for them at the top of the staircase, before the doors to the grand hall, was a woman who introduced herself as Professor McGonagall. She explained the houses and the Hogwarts house point system. Mac and Charlie exchanged glances and smiled when the points were mentioned.

McGonagall turned and entered the doors to check to see if the school was ready for sorting, leaving the first years alone on the steps for a brief moment.

A shorter girl came up to Dee. She had dark, wavy hair and big, round eyes. “Overheard ya in the boats. I liked the way you handled yourself,” she said.

Dee looked down at her and smiled. “Oh! Thanks.”

“I'm serious. These boys think they have power over us, but let me just tell you, they don't. You stood your ground and didn't let him push you around. I like that.” The girl paused. “I'm Artemis. What's your name?”

“I'm Dee.”

“Look, I dunno what houses were gonna be in, but I'll see ya around Hogwarts, yeah?”

Dee nodded and smiled. “Yeah, sounds good.”

McGonagall then returned. “They're ready for you,” she said.

The doors to the Great Hall were opened wide and McGonagall led the first years down the hall. The ceiling was tall and enchanted to look like the night sky. Mac’s face showed how truly dumbstruck he was, his mouth agape in a wonderment. “Charlie, are you seeing this?” He asked.

“Uh huh,” Charlie responded, transfixed on the floating candles.

An older wizard with a long, gray beard stood before the school and introduced himself as Professor Dumbledore. Behind him was a long table, which sat the professors. The gang could see Frank sitting among them. He was going to watch them get sorted.

After Dumbledore finished talking, McGonagall took the stand with a long scroll of names. It was time. Artemis Dubois was called up first. Artemis sat on a stool in front of everyone and an old, brown wizards’ hat was placed upon her head. As it was, the hat came to life and spoke, placing Dee’s new friend in Gryffindor.

"Charles Kelly," Professor McGonagall called out next.

Charlie was never called “Charles,” so it took him a second to realize he was being called. “Oh! That's me!” He exclaimed. He rushed himself to where McGonagall stood and sat himself on the stool, excited. The hat was placed upon his head.

“Ah!” The hat exclaimed. “Very curious! You seem like you’d fit perfectly in two very different houses. But which to pick?” Tension grew in Charlie as the hat thought for a moment. “I know! Hufflepuff!”

McGonagall removed the hat from Charlie’s head and pointed him in the direction of the Hufflepuff table, which Charlie joined.

Before it was Mac’s turn, Matthew Mara, the kid the gang called “Rickety Cricket” on the train, was called up. When the hat decided he was to be in Gryffindor, Dee elbowed Dennis and said, “I know what house I don’t wanna be in.” Dennis nodded in agreement.

"Ronald McDonald,” McGonagall called.

Some of the students snickered at Mac’s name. It was mainly the muggleborns who were familiar with the hamburger clown that laughed. Mac gulped, put on a brave face and walked up.

McGonagall placed the Sorting Hat upon his head. Mac closed his eyes, put his hands together, and prayed. _Please be Hufflepuff_ , he thought to God, if God were bothering to listen. _Please be Hufflepuff_.

“Interesting,” the hat said. “Very interesting indeed. Perhaps you shall be in... No, no.” The hat seemed conflicted on where to place Mac. After a couple minutes that felt like they were going into a hatstall, the hat spoke up again. “Ahhh. I see great things in your heart. I know where to place you... Gryffindor!”

Mac felt like his heart was yanked from his chest and thrust into the ground. “Gryffindor?” He asked softly. He looked over at the Hufflepuff table and saw Charlie looking at him, Charlie’s greenish eyes becoming visibly wetter as tears began to form. Mac solemnly made his way to the Gryffindor table and sat next to Cricket and across from Artemis.

“Hey,” Artemis said.

Mac could barely manage a sad smile in response.

"Deandra Reynolds," McGonagall called.

Before Dee went up to the stool, she gave Dennis a smirk and said to him, “Looks like I’m first, loser.” Dee sat down on the stool.

“Mm-hmm,” the hat said. “I know just where you shall go... Slytherin!”

When Dee passed Dennis on the way to the Slytherin table, Dennis laughed. “Ha, Slytherin! Just like good, ol’ dad,” he told her.

"Dennis Reynolds."

The hat barely had to touch Dennis’ wavy hair before it yelled “Slytherin!”

Dennis jumped up and yelled. “That can’t be right! I cannot be in the same house as my sister and my father! I am a Golden God and they are but merely peasants! I demand a re-sort!”

Frank stood up and shouted. “Dennis! Behave!”

Some of the kids giggled at the display of Dennis having a tantrum and his father scolding him.

“Mr. Reynolds,” McGonagall said sternly to Dennis. “The sorting hat’s decision is final. Please sit down with the other Slytherins.”

Dennis glared at Frank and then McGonagall and without another word, angrily marched to the Slytherin table and sat down next to his sister.

“‘With my superior intelligence,’” Dee quoted Dennis.

“Shut up, Dee,” Dennis said.

Several more young witches and wizards were sorted into houses and went to their respective house tables. A tall kid named Peter Schmidt found his way next to Charlie at the Hufflepuff table, while a boy named Adriano Calvanese, who looked as cool as Dennis thought himself to be, found his way to Ravenclaw, and a pair of brothers named Liam and Ryan McPoyle were placed in Slytherin.

After all the first years were sorted, dinner began. Even though everything smelled so good, Charlie wasn't feeling hungry because of all the candy he had on the train. He looked up and found Mac among the sea of kids. Mac, too, looked up and saw Charlie. The boys stared at each other from a distance, both of them with an expression of yearning.

Dennis and Dee watched the McPoyles, who were sat across from them, in utter disgust. The McPoyles were greasy and had unibrows from generations of inbreeding. They slurped milk from their goblets and wiped snot from their noses with their sleeves. Ryan looked up at the Reynolds twins. He held up a fist and said, “Bump it, fellow Slytherins.”

Dee gagged. “I think I’m going to be sick,” she said only loud enough for Dennis to hear.

When dinner was over, the first years were led to their dormitories by their respective house prefects. Mac was led up moving stairs toward the Gryffindor Tower, while Dennis, Dee, and Charlie were led down. Charlie was taken toward the kitchen, by which the Hufflepuff common rooms were. When Dennis and Dee got to the Slytherin Dungeons, they were separated by gender into their sleeping quarters. For the first time since they started their magical journeys, each member of the gang was alone.


	5. Frank Teaches the Gang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank is the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. A chapter in five parts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in this chapter. I struggled in writing this chapter because I wanted to keep their characterizations still in tact. To make up for the delay, this chapter is a bit longer and focuses on giving each member of the gang a moment to shine.

10:18 AM

On a Wednesday

Hogwarts Castle  
  


* * *

  
"Hey, Mac!" Charlie shouted out when he saw Mac walking down the castle corridors. Despite being surrounded by other kids, Mac was walking alone. When Mac heard Charlie's voice, he perked up.

"Charlie!"

The two boys ran up to each other.

"I don't like being in a different house than you," Charlie said.

"Yeah, same here, man."

"Ooh, hey, hey," Charlie said. He pulled out a piece of parchment with his school schedule on it. "I need help reading this thing." He handed it to Mac.

Mac took a look at it. "No way!" Mac exclaimed. He pulled out his own school schedule and cross-referenced the lists. "Dude! Most of our classes are together! It says we have 'Defense Against the Dark Arts' first."

"We're in the same class?" Charlie asked.

"We're in the same class!" Mac gave Charlie a high five.

"So, where do we go?"

"I, uh, I think... I think we go this way."

Mac and Charlie entered the classroom. The desks were in rows of two, each of which sat two students, lined all the way from the front of the classroom to the back. The boys sat at a desk around halfway down the aisle. Charlie placed a book on the desk when he sat down and looked at the cover. At that moment, his breathing became shaky. Between all that excitement between finding out magic was real and the candy on the train and the sorting hat, Charlie forgot that this was actually a school, where he would have to do homework and be forced to try to read.

"Hey, what's the matter, bud?" Mac asked.

Charlie shook his head anxiously. "I don't think I can do this, man."

"What do you mean?"

"All of this!" Charlie waved his arms around. "School!" Charlie threw his head to the table, pulled his arms over to cover himself, and whimpered. "I don't wanna do this."

Dennis and Dee then entered the room. Mac waved to them, and the twins took seats at the table behind Mac and Charlie. Mac turned around and faced them. "Hey, guys," he said.

"Hey. What's up with him?" Dennis asked, acknowledging the sad sack before him that was Charlie Kelly.

"Oh, he's just nervous about school," said Mac.

"Yeah... Well, I'm not looking forward to it either. At least, not this class," said Dennis.

"Why?" Mac asked.

"Because my dad's teaching this one," Dennis replied.

"Um, isn't that good? You'll be, like, guaranteed to pass!"

Dennis scoffed. "No. If anything, he's gonna be way tougher on Dee and me."

Charlie, still with his face in his desk, groaned.

"Oh, don't worry, Charlie. I'm sure he'll treat you like any of the other students," Dee said, trying to reassure Charlie.

Charlie jerked up and spun around to face the twins. "No, you don't get it." He ran his hands through his hair. "It's... It's embarrassing…"

Mac rested a hand on Charlie's shoulder and gave him a look that asked him if he really wanted to tell the Reynolds twins his issues now.

"I, um," Charlie began to say. He took a deep breath. "Look, it's really, really, _really_ hard to read. Like the letters, words, they just don't make good sense."

"So that's why you asked Mac what that chocolate frog box said on the train," Dee observed.

Charlie gulped then nodded ever so slightly. "Yeah, I couldn't read it," he said softly. He felt his face turn warm.

Dennis and Dee gave Charlie a look that could only be described as compassion before they were interrupted by the arrival of their professor. All the students turned toward the front of the classroom with full attention.

Emerging from his office, which was up a few steps from the rest of the classroom, Frank Reynolds entered. "Welcome, students, to Defense Against the Dark Arts. In this classroom, you shall refer to me as 'Professor Reynolds,'" Frank said. He adjusted his glasses and looked directly at Dennis and Dee. "Alls of you." He walked down the steps, approaching the students' desks. "Now, can anyone tell me what the Dark Arts are?"

That cool kid, Adriano, raised his hand. "Yeah, isn't it like the practice of evil magic?" He said.

"Yeah, that is a big part of it," Frank said. "Dark castings, evil creatures... It's important we learn how to defend ourselves against this kind of stuff. Now, I love me some guns, but they're not gonna be so effective against magic."

Some of the kids stared at Frank in confusion. Dennis rolled his eyes.

Frank cleared his throat. "We are gonna learn so much stuff in this class. Spells—defense, offense... And we're gonna learn about creatures like ghosts and vampires, zombies!"

That seemed to garner the kids' attention. Mac imagined himself performing some awesome karate moves on a zombie and smiled.

"All right, class, get out ya books and turn to page two," Frank instructed.

An hour and a half later, after the class was over, the students began to file out of the room to head toward their next classes.

"Hey, Charlie," Frank said. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Charlie motioned to Mac that it was all right to leave with Dennis and Dee. He then turned to Frank and said, "What's up, Professor Reynolds?"

"Charlie, you know I know your ma," Frank said.

Charlie stared at Frank, wondering where the conversation was going to go.

"And she told me a few things about ya." Frank took in a breath. "She told me you have some problems with readin'?"

Charlie looked down at the floor and blushed. "Yeah."

"And writin'?"

Charlie closed his eyes and gave a hesitant nod.

"Well, I'm gonna give ya something. You can't tell anyone else, 'specially not the headmaster—if Dumbledore asks you, you better deny—but I'm gonna teach you a charm to enchant ya quill. Help ya spell and write things."

"Magic can do that?"

"Oh, Charlie. Magic can do so many things!"

Frank held up what would otherwise be a mundane quill in one hand and his wand in the other and recited a spell to enchant it. He handed another quill to Charlie and had him recite the spell as well to practice. Frank then had Charlie write something down. At first, Charlie tried to write his own name, but had instead had written out "Chrundle." Frank had Charlie practice the spell a couple times until Charlie was able to spell his own name.

"Now, ya gonna have to reapply this spell to the quill when you feel like it's losing its magic," Frank told him.

"Yessir," said Charlie.

"As for the readin', I'm gonna tell Dennis and Deandra they have to help ya for full credit."

"Is... Is that fair?"

"I don't care. They're plenty capable." Frank gave Charlie a pat on the shoulder. "All right, kid, now get on headed to ya next class."

"Thanks, Professor Reynolds," Charlie said before making his way to the door.

"And remember, don't tell _anyone_ I taught you that spell."

Charlie nodded. He exited the classroom and found his friends waiting for him in the corridor.

Mac jumped up when he saw Charlie come out the room and approached him. "Man, what took so long?"

"Oh, uh, he just... He knew about my reading thing. I dunno, told me something about making Dennis and Dee help me read the stuff?"

"I'm sorry... He what?" Dee asked.

"That son of a... I knew he was gonna pull something over us!" Dennis said.

Charlie shrugged. "I dunno, man. I didn't ask..."

Dennis put his hand up, annoyed, then sighed. "It's fine. It's not your fault, Charlie." He swung his arm around Charlie's shoulder. "It's fine. Come on, let's go."

Mac looked at his friends and felt kind of, a little bit jealous that Dennis' arm was around Charlie and not him. With Dennis' arm over Charlie's shoulder, the gang started walking together toward their next class.  
  


* * *

  
One evening a few weeks later, Frank arrived at the entrance to the staffroom. The door was guarded by two gargoyles who asked Frank for a password. After Frank grunted out the answer, the door opened up, and he plowed into the room.

"Hello there, Frank," a low, velvety voice greeted him.

Frank looked up and squinted through his glasses. "Severus," he said.

"There's something about you, Frank..." Severus Snape, a man in a black cloak who towered over Frank, said. "...That I. Don't. Trust."

"Ha!" Frank laughed. "There's something _you_ don't trust about _me_? 'Least I was never a death eater."

"Watch your tongue, little man," Snape snarled.

"Eh." Frank pulled out a little tube from one of his pockets and sat himself on a seat in the room. He shook the tube, a small, white pill fell out, and he tossed it into his mouth. Snape hovered behind him. Frank looked up. "What'd ya want?"

"I'm just trying to understand you."

"Why? Because I never told them 'yes'? Is it confusin' ya brain?" Frank tapped his head when he said "brain." Frank sighed. "Look, I'm not sayin' I'm a good man or anythin', 'cause I'm not. Merlin knows I'm not. I spent many years buildin' an empire for wizards and muggles alike, makin' a name for myself, and gettin' rich. Now, ya might be askin': How did someone like me come to be a professor at a magic school? Honestly? I was kinda bored. Mean, I still have control over it, but I just wanted a change. Maybe I wanted to be a better man. I dunno. All I know is I just had too much to lose." Frank turned his head and looked directly into Snape's eyes. "What did you lose, Severus?"

Snape's eyes grew dark and he stepped back as he took in the question. He took a breath, and with a swoop of his cloak, turned around and left the staffroom, no words spoken in response.

"Heh! That's what I thought!" Frank yelled after him. After chuckling to himself for a moment, Frank fumbled through another pocket and pulled out a flask. He took a swig of the alcoholic beverage inside.

As he sat on that chair, he stared into nothingness, trying to remember why in Merlin's name he even came into the staffroom in the first place. "Oh yeah," he mumbled to himself. "Book." He got himself up and waddled over to a bookshelf and pulled out a book. He then, too, left the staffroom.  
  


* * *

  
In potions class the next morning, Professor Snape glared daggers at Dennis and Dee Reynolds. He knew they were Frank's children and he knew he couldn't _really_ do anything to them, but he also knew he could certainly make class miserable.

"Today, we will be making our first potion," he told the class. "The cure for boils. It is a simple potion, so I expect none of you to err with it. If made correctly, pink smoke will rise from your cauldrons. Part of the recipe calls for the potion to brew for a little over half an hour. You will use that time to answer some questions in your workbook." Snape then told the students what page to turn to in their potions textbook, _Magical Drafts and Potions_ , for the recipe and showed them where each ingredient required was in the classroom. "You may talk amongst yourselves and help one another while making the potion."

Mac and Charlie high-fived each other. 

"Begin," Snape told the class.

Students began getting up to gather supplies and talk with one another.

On this particular day, Snape decided to pick on Dennis. "Mr. Reynolds," he said as he approached the boy. "You are smart, capable. I would like to watch you make this potion."

Dennis glanced over at his friends, then met his eyes with his professor's. "I—What?" He asked.

"Well, Mr. Reynolds, go ahead," Snape said, nodding toward the recipe and cauldron laid out in front of Dennis.

Dennis looked down at his book. The first ingredient it listed was snake fangs. Six of them. He gulped. He knew he _could_ make this potion successfully, but there was just that added pressure on him with the professor watching. It almost felt like he was being tested on making a potion without ever having made one before. Screw it. Dennis was a golden god and if he couldn't do it, who could?

He took note of the listed ingredients—six snake fangs, four horned slugs, and two porcupine quills—and got up and grabbed them from the supplies shelf. Snape watched every step Dennis took with great intent.

Across the room, Mac, Charlie, Dee, and Artemis were each crushing their snake fangs with a pestle and mortar. The girls were finely grinding the fangs, while the boys were crushing them.

Dee glanced over at the boys and snickered. "You're doing it wrong."

"How do you know?" Mac asked.

"Because the book says 'crush into a fine powder' and you're just smashing the pestle." Without a second thought, Dee said to Mac, "Maybe you should learn to read."

Charlie looked down, speechless.

"Oh, shoot! Charlie! I'm... I didn't mean it like that."

As he was putting four measures of his fang powder into the cauldron, Dennis saw what looked like Dee being all sad over her (probably failed) potion and laughed. "What an idiot," he said under his breath.

"Mr. Reynolds," Snape said sternly. "I do not expect cooking potions to be such a comedy." He then scribbles something down into a notebook.

Dennis shut his laughter immediately. "Sorry, Professor." He then turned up the heat for the mixture to the appropriate temperature and waved his wand.

"Very good, Mr. Reynolds. Start a timer and you may work on your workbook." Snape then got up and hovered around the class, until all of his students were diligently working on the questions.

After around thirty-five minutes, Dennis returned to his brew, as did Professor Snape. Dennis looked up at his professor's cold, dark eyes and gave a nervous smile.

Snape narrowed his eyes. "What are you waiting for?"

"I wanna get this right." Dennis made sure to be extra careful with each written instruction in the book. The book said add four horned slugs, then take the cauldron off the fire, _then_ add two porcupine quills. He did as the book said in precisely the right order. He then stirred the mixture—exactly five times, clockwise. A pink smoke rose from Dennis' cauldron the moment he waved his wand over it.

Snape scribbled another thing down in his notebook and turned around to look at the rest of the class, without saying a word to Dennis. Dennis scowled at the back-turned man, but inside, was proud that he had managed to brew his first potion successfully.

A few moments later, across the room, Charlie had managed to melt his cauldron and the room began to stink most foul. Since he couldn't read well, Charlie was relying entirely on Mac and Dee to help him with the instructions. What he didn't do was take his cauldron off the fire before adding the porcupine quills. Snape had to rush over to sort everything out. He then deducted ten points from Hufflepuff.

At the end of the school day, Dennis stormed into Frank's office. "Dad!? DAD!?" He yelled.

Frank looked up from a magazine that had a lot of pictures of scantily-clad witches. "What?"

"Did you talk with Professor Snape recently?"

Frank thought for a moment and he placed the magazine onto his desk. "Yeah, might've seen 'im last night. Why?"

"Well, did you say something to piss him off?"

"What's it to ya if I did or not?"

"Because he was being all hard on me in class!" Dennis crossed his arms as he looked down to his father.

"The man provoked me, then I asked him what he lost in becoming a death eater. That's all."

"A death eater? Dude, those guys wouldn't stop calling you."

"I know!" Frank stood up to grab a pitcher and poured himself something alcoholic to drink. "Bet he's jus' mad 'cause he didn't say no." He took a sip and sat back down. "What else ya need, Dennis?"

"Just don't upset him. Please. I'm going to get stress wrinkles if he keeps putting that kind of pressure on me."

"Stress wrinkles? What're ya talking about, Dennis? You're eleven. You don't need to worry about that."

Dennis leaned toward his father. "It's never too early to start caring for your appearances. It's obvious you never did." He then left his father's office and headed toward the Slytherin dungeons.

Frank picked up his magazine and shook his head. "That kid's too vain," he muttered to himself.  
  


* * *

  
One of the classes on the gang's schedule met outside behind the castle on the training grounds. They were greeted by a teacher with spiky, gray hair named Madam Hooch. She had brooms for them and told them that they would be learning how to fly.

"Our teacher is a chick?" Mac asked.

"Why are you even surprised? We have other female teachers, Mac," Dee said.

"Yeah, but this is a _sports_ class," he replied.

"So?"

"Flying," Dennis chuckled. "Dee's gonna be right in her element here," he said.

"I'm not a bird, Dennis!" Dee squawked.

"Oh, wait, no... You can't fly. You're just a big, bumbling, _flightless bird_."

"Hey, Dennis, guys, watch this!" Mac leaned over and picked up his broomstick. It was definitely not nearly as cool as the one Frank had bought him in Diagon Alley. Mac wanted to bring it, but there was an explicit message on his acceptance letter that said first years weren't allowed to bring their own broomsticks, which he thought was super lame. But whatever, at least he could play with the stupid school-provided one.

Mac held the broom firmly with both hands and started swatting it around, making whooshing noises and kicking a few times, pretending to be in some sort of karate film fending off ninjas or something.

Madam Hooch blew on her whistle. "Mr. McDonald!" She yelled. "Put your broom down! We do not play with brooms in this manner!"

Mac froze mid-whoosh. "Sorry, Professor," he said and he dropped his broom.

The students stood in two lines, facing one another. Mac stood between Artemis and Rickety Cricket, and across from Dennis, who was next to Dee. Charlie was further down the line on Dennis' side, far from Mac, but at least still in his view.

They were instructed to hold their hands above their brooms and simply say the word, "up." They might not get it at first, Hooch warned, but told them not to worry and to just keep trying.

"Up," Mac said with his hand out above the broom just like Hooch had demonstrated. Nothing happened. He glanced over at his friends. Dennis and Dee also didn't have their broomsticks in grip yet, but Charlie did. Mac swore under his breath and muttered to himself, "That kid's a broom magnet."

"Very good, Mr. Kelly!" Hooch exclaimed, a praise to which Charlie beamed.

Mac took a breath. "Up." Still nothing. "Up!"

Slowly, one-by-one, his fellow students around him began catching their brooms in their hands. Dee got a broom in her hand before Dennis did, which prompted Dennis to scowl at his sister, while next to Mac, Cricket's broom swung up and hit him in the face, leading his nose to bleed. Mac grimaced. _That would certainly leave a bruise_ , he thought.

Mac stretched his arms and cracked his fingers. "Up."

After everyone else had a broom in their hands, all eyes were on Mac. He was the last one to be able to catch his broom. "Come on, Mac!" Dee said.

Mac's ears turned red as he blushed. He thought it extremely embarrassing that he was the last one in the entire class for the broomstick to respond to. He couldn't even look Dennis in the eyes, so he turned his gaze and concentrated as hard as he could on the broomstick. "Up. Up. Up. Up!" Mac said, his voice sounding more frustrated with each time he said the word.

Finally, as if God had finally just noticed him and decided, _yeah, I guess Mac could have his broom_ , it shot up from the ground and entered his grip.

"Whoo!" Charlie cheered from down the line.

"Excellent," said Madam Hooch. She then returned to a place where all students could see her and continued the lesson, teaching them how to properly mount the broomstick and how to hover—not fly, just simply hover—in place.

All right, hover. Mac could hover, totally. He swung his leg over the broomstick and went into the semi-squat position he was taught. Mac wondered if the other students felt uncomfortable doing the broomstick position, too. Not uncomfortable physically, but like just _weird_ in a sense he didn't know how to explain. He looked around and some of the kids—Dennis being one of them—weren't all in their heads like he was and were already floating. So, Mac pushed gently off the ground and soon enough, he was hovering above the ground as well. Immediately, that weird feeling flushed out of him and he felt a sort of serenity in being in the air, mind it only being a couple inches off the ground. A big smile grew across his face. Now, _this_ felt right.

Mac looked up toward the heavens with a stupid grin and thanked God for whatever euphoria he feeling. As he looked up, his broom slowly pulled him higher into the air.

"Mr. McDonald!" Hooch snapped.

Mac was pulled out of his trance and he saw that his feet were dangling higher than the other kids' shoulders. "Sorry!" He yelled and he brought himself down.

After class, Charlie ran up to Mac. "That was awesome!" Charlie said.

"I know, right?" Mac exclaimed. "Dude, how did you get the broom to come up for you so quickly?"

Charlie shrugged. "I dunno. It just worked." He paused. "Hey, how did it feel to be like a hundred feet up in the air?"

"A hundred? What? No, man, that was like maybe five feet. And it was awesome!" Mac did a couple of karate punches. He then sighed and grinned. "Hogwarts is the best."  
  


* * *

  
As the months went by, the air got crisper and colder. Dee, wrapped in a green and silver scarf, made her way down a castle corridor alone. She didn't know where her brother or Mac or Charlie were on that particular day, but truthfully, she didn't need them around. She was on her way to the library to get some extra studying in before a test because she wanted to absolve any chance for Dennis to laugh at her afterwards.

She pulled the library door open and stepped inside. The large, candle-lit room, though full of shelves upon shelves of books, was fairly devoid of many students. There were some older kids scattered about, but she didn't recognize anyone from her year other than maybe a few of the Ravenclaws to whom she had never spoken. _Psh, Ravenclaws. Dennis and their friends might call her a bird, but she wasn't a Ravenclaw, so how much of a bird could she_ really _be_ , she thought.

Dee settled at a table all by herself. Even though only idiot losers sit by themselves, she knew it was a good thing that the rest of the gang wasn't with her because now, she could actually get in some peace and quiet and just concentrate. She placed her books before her, turned the pages, and began to study.

A couple lines into her third page, Dee was interrupted by a girl. "Ohmygosh, Dee! Heyyy!"

Dee looked up. The girl who stood before Dee was plumpy, a contrast to Dee's bony stature. "Oh, hi, Ingrid..." Dee gave a forced smile.

Ingrid Nelson acted like Dee and her were best friends after one, just _one_ , time they were paired up for a charms lesson. Dee found Ingrid's cheery disposition off putting. They were both in Slytherin, so they shared a dormitory, which Dee absolutely loathed.

"Are you studying for the defense against the dark arts exam?" Ingrid asked, peering at Dee's textbook.

"Yeah, so if you don't mind…"

"That's great! We can study together!"

Before Dee could reject, Ingrid sat herself next to Dee and opened up her book as well. Dee groaned. She really did not want to do this. But Ingrid was smart, so Dee figured she could totally use this as a study advantage to one-up Dennis in the exam.

"Sometimes, I feel like we don't hang out all that much, Dee," Ingrid said with a bit of sadness in her tone.

"Really? Because I feel like we see each other plenty."

"But I'm glad we'll be spending this time studying together!" Ingrid said.

"Yes. Studying... Which is what we should be doing," Dee said, turning her focus back on the book in front of her. Dee started scribbling in her notebook. The test they were being given was about six dangerous beings and creatures—ghosts, gytrashes, hags, imps, vampires, and zombies. She needed to know how to identify them, where they live, and how to defend oneself in case of an attack.

"Hey, Aluminum Monster! Fatty Magoo!" Adriano Calvanese approached the girls and took a seat across from them. "Studying for Prof. Reynolds' exam tomorrow?"

Ugh. "Aluminum Monster." Dee hated that nickname. She could admit it certainly was clever, but she hated it. Once Adriano had started calling her that, most other kids did too. Dee had enough fingers on her hands to count all of her peers who didn't. Now, "Fatty Magoo," on the other hand, was a great nickname. Dee definitely liked calling Ingrid that name behind her back when ranting about her.

"We sure are!" Ingrid replied. "Are you ready for it?"

"'Course. You?" Adriano said.

"We will be!"

Dee let out an awkward laugh. "At least Aluminum Monster and Fatty Magoo aren't on the test, right?"

Adriano looked at Dee confusedly. "Right... Hey, I'll see you guys around." He got up and left the library.

Ingrid shot a look at Dee. "What was that?"

"It was a joke. I was tryna be funny," Dee said.

"Oh…"

Dee cleared her throat. "So, ghosts."

After Dee's failed attempt at being funny, studying was just a tad awkward, but the two girls got the job done. By the time she was ready for bed, Dee felt like she was an expert on the subject matter.

That night, she had a weird dream—well, nightmare. In it, her mother was a hag and her brother was a vampire. They both wanted to eat her. So she ran. Luckily, in her dream, she didn't have that awful back brace on, so she actually had a chance. She ran across the Hogwarts courtyard and down the castle halls before she entered a room. It was her defense against the dark arts room and in there, she was met by her father. "Where ya goin', Deandra?" Frank asked. He then grabbed her and held her as Dennis came in and began to suck blood from her neck, while her mother started to eat her toes.

Dee woke up with a scream, in a cold sweat. She looked up at the clock and saw it was almost time to wake up anyway. She groaned. What a great way to start her day.

At first, her day didn't seem all that better. When Mac and Dennis found out that Dee had spent her evening studying for Frank's test, they laughed in her face. "Ha! Stupid bird," Dennis said. However, Dee got the last laugh when her returned exam had a higher score than Dennis'.

"Who's the stupid bird now?" Dee asked.

"It's still you," said Dennis.

"What? No! I did better than you!"

"It's a test from _dad_. It doesn't mean anything."

" _Whatever, stupid idiot_ ," Dee mumbled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hags, at least in _Harry Potter_ lore, are ugly, four-toed witches who eat children—what one would imagine as a fairytale witch.


	6. Dennis and Sweet Dee Stay For Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank leaves his children at Hogwarts for Christmas while he takes his wife on a tropical holiday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for a Christmas chapter well after Christmas has passed.

4:02 PM

On a Friday

Hogwarts Castle  
  


* * *

  
Dennis and Dee were both told to meet their father in his office on the last day of classes before the Christmas break. The Reynolds twins weren't excited for Christmas, as Frank usually pranked them with empty boxes and broken dreams, while just giving himself gifts. However, they supposed it would be nice to be back at home. What they really needed was a break from all the madness of school.

"I've got some news!" Frank told his children. "I'm takin' ya mother to Bora Bora for Christmas!"

Dee's eyes widened. "We're going on a tropical vacation?"

"No," said Frank. "I'm takin' ya mother. You two are stayin' here."

"We're what?" Dee's face fell.

"You two are gonna be spending Christmas at Hogwarts."

"Why do you always do this, man? Every Christmas, you go off and treat yourself to something great and leave us face first in the dirt!" Dennis yelled.

"'Cause I don't give two wands about your feelings," Frank said with no hesitation.

"Oh my god. You truly are a horrible father," said Dee.

"Yeah, yeah." Frank brushed his children aside.

Later on that day, Mac spotted Dennis and Dee sitting together in the Great Hall. He ran over to them and, without care that he wasn't in the same house as them, joined the twins at the Slytherin table. "Hey-o!" He said.

Dee had her elbow on the table and her head resting in her hand, her eyes dead and unfocused on anything around her. Dennis was kind of slouched (which he never did when he sat, so Mac knew something was up) and had his arms crossed, barely acknowledging Mac when he arrived.

"What's wrong, guys?"

"Our idiot jerkoff father," replied Dennis.

"Uh oh. What'd he do?" Mac asked.

"He's going to Bora Bora for Christmas," said Dennis.

Mac scrunched his face. "Bora? Bora?"

"The island in the South Pacific," said Dennis.

"A tropical paradise," Dee added as she sighed sadly.

"Okay, and...?"

"'And' what? He's leaving us here!" Dennis threw his hands up.

"What? For _Christmas_! No! Christmas is supposed to be for families! It's about Jesus and presents and happy families!" Mac joined the twins in their anger.

"Not to our dad, it's not!" Dee said.

"He's always terrible to us for Christmas," Dennis said.

"Yeah, the absolute worst."

Mac frowned. "I'm really sorry, guys."

Dennis let out a breath and shrugged. "We're used to it." He paused. "So, what're you doing for Christmas?"

"Going home. Both Charlie and me. I do my thing with my parents and he does his thing with his mom, then he and I get together and throw rocks and trains."

"Why do you throw rocks at trains?"

"We just do! It's our tradition, okay?" Mac got defensive.

Dennis put his hands up in surrender. "Okay, okay."

"Kinda sucks we can't ride the train back together, though," said Mac.

"At least you'll still be able to ride back with Charlie," Dee said. "At least none of us will actually be alone for Christmas."

"That's true," Mac mumbled.

Charlie peeked his head through the large doors of the great hall and scanned the room until he spotted his friends sitting together at the Slytherin table looking absolutely miserable. He bounced over.

"Hey, speak of the devil," Dennis said as their Hufflepuff friend arrived.

"Don't mention the devil!" Mac hissed.

"Hey! I've been looking for you!" Charlie said as he sat down. "I'm so excited it's gonna be Christmas next week! Santas come over with presents and my mom makes the best cookies! Ooh, and I can't wait to spend it with you guys!" He looked at each of his friends' faces and was taken aback. "Why do you all look, like, sad?"

Dee whimpered.

Mac grimaced. "Hey, bud? They're staying."

So, the train ride the following day felt incomplete without Dennis and Dee to share in some pre-Christmas excitement. As the train was leaving Hogwarts, Mac and Charlie sat across from one another and stared out of the window at the twins, who stood awkwardly by the half-giant Hagrid. Mac waved until his friends were no longer in his line of sight.

Rickety Cricket came up to the car Mac and Charlie were sitting in. "Hey, guys! Merry Christmas!" He said to them. "Mind if I join ya in here?"

"Yeah," Mac said softly.

"Great!" Cricket said as he sat himself next to Mac.

"That's not what I…" Mac began to mumble.

Cricket looked at Charlie. "Your name's Charlie, right?"

Charlie narrowed his eyes at Cricket. "Yeah?"

"I don't get to hang out much with kids from other houses," Cricket said. He looked at both boys a little nervously. "So, you two, like, hang out with Dee Reynolds a lot, right?"

"What're you getting at?" Mac asked.

"How'd that happen? Like, she's the cutest girl in school." Cricket blushed.

"Cute?" Mac laughed at the thought. "Are you blind? She wears, like, a ten pound back brace, dude. There's nothing 'cute' about her!"

"Ooh, hey, hey, I heard Adriano calling her a 'Monster' the other day! Like, that's so true! Isn't it?" Charlie said.

Mac let out a howl. "Oh, yeah. What was it? 'Aluminum Monster'? That's a _great_ name!"

Cricket looked at the boys confusedly. "W-Why are you guys being so mean? She's your friend."

"Nah. It's fine. Dennis would totally agree with us, and they're twins, so, like, if he says it's fine, it's totally fine," Mac said.

"I, uh..." Cricket stood up with a loud creak from his leg braces. "I'm going to go find another car to sit in." He pulled the door open. "Uh, Merry Christmas." He left and shut the door behind him.

"Thank God. Right, Charlie?" Mac said about Cricket leaving them alone.

For the rest of the ride, Charlie either hummed a few Christmas songs to himself or napped. The train ride wasn't as much of a party without Dennis and Dee with them. Mac wondered what the twins would be up to before he, too, began to drift to a nice nap.  
  


* * *

  
Without everyone else there, most places around the school were almost a bit spooky. Even with the snow coating the castle, the empty corridors just didn't exude the feeling of Christmas. Most of the students who were left at the school for the holidays decided to hang out in the Great Hall. There, a grand tree stood sixty or seventy feet tall and was covered to the top with gold ornaments. There was also an endless, magical snow that fell from the ceiling, but never reached the ground.

On Monday, after a boring weekend without the excitement of Mac's and Charlie's craziness, Dennis and Dee decided to spend some time in that beautifully decorated Great Hall.

Dennis recognized a particular brunette girl who sat across the room, holding onto a small, black cat. She was a fellow Slytherin in his year. As he and his sister approached the girl, he greeted her. "Maureen?"

"Oh, hey, Dennis!" She said and she flashed him a large smile.

"Um, nice cat," Dennis said.

"Thanks! Her name is Bastet! My mom got her for me after I got my letter for Hogwarts." She looked down at the cat, who returned a look with large, yellow eyes. "Isn't that right, Bastet?" She asked the cat, as if her pet could understand her words.

"So, I take it you didn't go home for Christmas either?" Dee asked.

"Nah. My brother and I are both here for the holidays."

"You have a brother?" Dennis asked.

"Yeah. His name's Bill. He's a couple years older than us."

"Wait," Dee said. "Bill Ponderosa is your _brother_?"

"You _know_ her brother?" Dennis asked.

"Well, yeah. He's kind of a legend in the girl's dormitory," Dee giggled.

"Ugh, please don't tell me you have a crush on Maureen's brother."

"I don't!" Dee said, while twisting her blonde locks with a finger.

Maureen laughed. "So, is Professor Reynolds staying at school too?"

With that one question, the Reynolds twins felt like all the warmth in the room was sucked out. However, before either one of them had the opportunity to answer, a tall Slytherin boy made his way over to the first years. "What's up? Pondy's in the house!"

Dennis realized he definitely recognized Bill Ponderosa, as he was the best chaser on their house's quidditch team. Somehow, Dennis had never made the connection that the athletic boy before stood them was the brother to Maureen.

"Hey, you guys!" Bill pointed to Dennis and Dee with a finger gun. "Your dad's, uh, Professor Reynolds, right? Dude's like my favorite teacher here. He's so cool!"

"He's not cool... Like, at all," Dennis said.

Bill shrugged. "I like 'im." He turned to his sister. "Hey, Maureen, we should probably go write a letter to send to ma and dad. We don't wanna send the owl out too late."

"Oh yeah!" Maureen jumped up. She looked at Dennis and Dee. "I'll see you guys around." Still holding onto Bastet, she followed her brother out of the Great Hall.

Dee bit her lip and waved. "Bye, Bill!"

"You better not have a crush on that guy, Dee."

"Oh, shut up, Dennis." She rolled her eyes.

Dennis sat down at the Slytherin table. "I hope Mac and Charlie are having a better time for their Christmases then we are here."

Dee sat next to her brother. "Yeah, there's what? Two? Three more days before Christmas?"

"Four, I think?"

"Four?" Dee groaned.

As each day before Christmas passed, Dennis and Dee tried to find fun things with which to fill their time. There were snowball fights, hang outs with the Ponderosas, reading, chilling, and just, overall, having a good break from doing any schoolwork. With all their activities, the days went by quicker than they thought the days would.

On the night of Christmas Eve, Dennis and Dee arrived in the Slytherin dungeons after having a fantastic meal of roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, and an assortment of hot foods with the few other students who had stayed behind for the holidays.

"Goodnight, Dennis. Merry Christmas," Maureen said before heading off to bed. Her brother, Bill, wished them the same as he, too, went to bed.

The Reynolds twins, however, decided to stay in the common room for a bit. A gorgeous, green fir set up by the house elves the day prior was situated near a fireplace that emitted a nice glow that warmed the whole room. On a table in the center of the room sat a plate of cookies and a couple of glasses of milk. Dennis and Dee knew that the house elves had set the treats out for Santa Claus, so the kids left at school could still have that bit of Christmas fun, but truthfully, Frank had told them for the entirety of their childhood that if Santa ever were to visit them, he wouldn't leave them anything other than a sack of dragon dung because they didn't deserve anything more. They don't know what compelled them—perhaps it was just out of spite for their Christmas pasts—but the twins grabbed the milk and cookies, sat back in the loungers in the room, and began to snack on the treats.

With her mouth full of cookies, Dee said, "Honestly, Dennis, right now, I don't really care that we're doing Christmas here. The food is _so_ good."

"Eh, it's still not as good as Bora Bora would have been," Dennis said.

"Yeah, but it's way better than Christmas has been at home."

"I guess that is true." Dennis then yawned. "I don't wanna get up," he said

"Then don't, you dummy."

"Eh, I'm gonna go to bed." Dennis got himself up. "Night, Dee." He made his way over toward the entrance to the boys' dormitory.

"Night, Den," Dee said even though he was already out of earshot. She followed her brother's lead and also headed toward bed.

On Christmas morning, Dennis and Dee both stumbled into the common room and saw under the tree sat a large box covered in beautiful golden snowflake wrapping paper and topped with a large, green bow. The tag, attached with tweed, read: "To Dennis and Deandra. From, Dad."

At the sight of it, Dennis swore in shock.

"Did he actually get us something this year?" Dee asked. She went up to the box, which stood almost as tall as her.

"I dunno," Dennis said. "We should open it."

The twins ripped off the bow and the paper and opened up the box. They peered inside and noticed it was exactly what they thought it was.

"And to no one's surprise, it's empty," Dennis stated.

"Wait, no." Dee squinted. "There's something there at the bottom." She tried to lean in and grab it, but her back brace prevented her from being able to really reach, so she pulled out her wand and recited a spell she and her peers had just learned in class. " _Wingardium leviosa_!"

Up floated a little postcard. Dee caught it and the twins looked at it, disgusted. The front of the card had Frank, laying on the white-sanded beach on his side, waving (yes, actually waving). He had on a Santa hat that covered his balding head and on his face, he wore sunglasses and bore a smug smile. He wore no shirt, with his round, holiday-tanned belly flopped out over his Christmas tree swim trunks. In the hand that wasn't waving, he was holding onto a pink margarita, which sat next to a baked ham with a pair of pineapple slice eyes. The vibrant, cerulean water behind him would have looked still if not for the sparkles of the sun reflecting off the liquid surface, and the palm trees by him showed the ever so subtle movement of a light, tropical breeze.

"He is so gross," Dennis said.

Dee turned the postcard around. On the back, there was a hastily scribbled, impersonal message that simply read " _Mele Kalikimaka_!" and signed "From, Mom and Dad." (Not "Love," just "From.")

"Really? ' _Mele Kalikimaka_ '? Like that song?" Dee asked.

"Isn't that song about Hawaii? But he's in Bora Bora," Dennis said.

"Would that be considered racist?"

"You know, Dee, I really don't think he cares."

"Yeah... God, I hate him."

"Me too." Dennis turned to his sister and gave her a weak smile. "Merry Christmas, sis."

"Merry Christmas, Dennis."  
  


* * *

  
Some thousands upon thousands of miles away, on the small island of Bora Bora, a thin, brunette woman in a white two-piece approached Frank and sat herself down on the lounge chair beside him.

"I must say, Frank. _This_ is the best thing about being married to you," she said, referencing the beautiful beach and resort around them. "And I'm so glad those annoying children aren't here with us."

Frank peered over at his wife. "You mean, _our_ kids, Barbara?"

"Precisely. They would have ruined this holiday for the both of us." Barbara pulled out a tanning mirror and angled it so the summer sun reflected onto her face as if she were a golden goddess. "I mean, I would have preferred to have come alone. You _are_ a bit of a cretin, Frank."

"Your words, lovely as always, Barbara," Frank said.

Barbara gave a slight shrug as she continued to tan herself.

Frank grunted and got himself up. He walked across the sand, which, though looked as white as snow, was nice and warm as the grains seeped between his troll-like toes. He didn't share with anyone that he had gotten contempt from his wife when he had taken on that job at Hogwarts, but he was enduring Christmas with her in attempts to please, showing her that he still had his money and was still good for something. As he looked out to the ocean, he thought: _At least being at a tropical resort wasn't half bad_.

A young resort worker approached Frank with a drink he had ordered. " _Joyeux Noël_ , Monsieur Reynolds," she said as she handed him the glass.

"Thanks," he said. As she turned around and walked away, his eyes widened at the sight of her backside, his gaze fixated on her butt. "Hubba hubba, I'm gonna have to get her name," he said to himself. "Merry Christmas to me, heh heh," he chuckled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Mele Kalikimaka](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ob4LT_gUSFQ), guys!


End file.
